MAC vs. Christ

So I truly believe that dysfunctional people attract even more dysfunctional people, and before I found God, I was definitely dysfunctional.

See I had this REALLY bad tendency of randomly imprinting, and I use this word intentionally. When animals are born they imprint on the first thing they see, which is usually their mother, and from that point on they have this strong connection to..whatever it is they saw, even if the thing they saw wasn't their mother at all. So like I was saying, I had this really bad tendency of imprinting on a certain guy. I'm not saying, I mistook a guy for my mom. Hahaha that is SLIGHTLY absurd. I'm using the word to emphasize how RANDOM, these guys are. And I would literally become just absolutely infatuated with them. I would go into this stealthy lioness predator mode where I just relentlessly pursued them, to the point where they would get freaked out, or super annoyed. The weirdest part about it was I literally could not stop, or control myself until they straight up rejected me. Then I would get this like wave of relief over me, and then I would be okay and move on. lol like I said, dysfunctional.

So when I started really pursuing a relationship with God I develeoped this TEENY TINY CRUSH on this guy that use to go to my church. He was a MAC as Hillary would call him (Man After Christ). I mean he is cute, not like superrr melt right on the spot HOTT, but cute. And I guess the biggest reason I was/am attracted to him is because he is what I want to be. If that makes sense? Plus I generally go for the badd boy type, but deep inside me I have this hugeee dorky side where all I really want is a guy who is smart and can spell things right, and GETS MY NERDY humor.

So I don't know how it came up, but I shared my secret MAC crush with Hillary and we laughed about it. Well then I went to my old church's youth group for the first time in...forever and he was THERE! not just there! but on stage SINGING! ...couldn't get any freggin cuter right. Later when I got home I chatted him on facebook and we got into this really deep conversation about God, and he asked why I started coming to church and I told him, we exchanged testimonys. So I thought this is God telling me to GO FOR IT! Come to find out he has a girlfriend. Whos not too cute, or too nice from what I hear, but WHATEVER.

This is when I should have backed off. But I could not stop thinking about him. I still can't. It's like I'm looking for any excuse to talk to him. But the fact I'm starting to act, how I use to act SCARES ME!
1. I can't just ruin a relationship (they have been dating for 2 years apparently)
2. How I act when I imprint on a guy is UNHEALTHY
3. We could have the foundations to just be really good friends. And knowing the usual results from my obessive pursuing, I would probably ruin any chance of that.

Here is where Gods creepy relevent words come into play. So I went into my moms room looking for her chocolate stash. And I saw this book on her nightstand called "Grace for the moment" and it's bible quotes followed by inspirational words for everyday of the year. LISTEN TO WHAT TODAYS SAID....

'God even knows how many hairs are on your head' (Matthew 10:30)'

Hahahah and I thought I WAS OBSESSIVE. it gets better.

If God had a refridgerator, your picture would be on it. He sends you flowers every spring, and a sunrise every morning. Whenever you want to talk, ge'll listen. He can live anywhere in the Universe and he chose to live in YOUR heart. Face it friend, he is crazy about you

Here I am, obessing over some guy, and GOD is up there somewhere obessing over me! I'm sitting here pathetically plotting to get an obviously unattainable guy to relize he loves me (and just hasn't realized it yet), when there is a GREAT GOD waiting patiently for me to realize HE LOVES ME, and that he has more to offer me than some guy. Why would I want a Man After Christ to love me when CHRIST HIMSELF loves me.

I think God has made my MAC unattainable, because I'm not ready to be in a relationship. As I was telling all of this to Hillary she told me she went through somethign similar herself. She said she use to be like really attracted to guys, but then she went through this like YEAR time span where she just didn't care about them. She didn't turn lesbian or anything she just was too preoccupied discovering God. She said ...

"I think God took away that attraction from me so I could focus on my relationship with him, instead of working on trying to have a relationship with someone else. Honestly it was a blessing because I grew soo much in my relationship with God during that time"

So tonight I'm praying that god will turn my obession away from my MAC and towards him so that I can become a better follower to him. Pray for me ;)

Letting go, and grabbing on

I thought I'd open up with a quote this time. This is from the song "There is a way-NewWorldson" in case my one follower is curious ;). I wish really wish I had the time everyday to write so you could really see how god is working in my life, but I'm SWAMPED in school work. Let me tell you. Being a Junior is NOT EASY. Between balencing my honor/AP classes, doing debate, participating in journalism, AND trying to go to church there is little to NO time to fill you in. :/ I'm sorry. I'm going to try and get better.

WARNING BEFORE YOU CONTINUE: This is post super long to make up for my lack of writing, but I promise it is worth reading!

So here is the quote...

Don't you think your life's worth saving? 
Don't you know that love's amazing? 
Don't you want to lay your troubles down? 
Lay them down...

I cannot explain how true this is for me at the moment. So my last post told you that I was scared to leave my group of friends to pursue God. I'm sure your wondering why would on earth I would be scared? It's not so much that my friends are untolerate of christianity, and would make fun of me for it, it was more I was scared they WOULD be tolerant and just stop calling me because of my new beliefes. I was really terrified of being left out. I mean I was the "party girl" down for anything! Crazy, Wild, Spontaneous, Goofy. The Go-To girl! I was use to being included in everything. I was scared of being let go.

So at first I tried to go to still go to parties and just not drink. I'm not going to lie, as soon as I got there I started drinking. Slowly at first. I justifyed it as, "drinking isn't a sin, getting wasted is". The first couple of times I didn't get wasted. Then at one party I got a little carried away, not only did I get drunk, but I smoked weed with this really cute guy I use to have a crush on a long time ago. I ended up having to call my friend and have her and her boyfriend pick me and and drive my car home. I was really dissapointed in myself the next day. But I didn't shut down on God. I kept going to my Beth Moore bible study on Tuesdays and Hiliary's bible study on Thursday. Hannah even went with me to a local church youth group on Wednesday. I don't know what it was but that week the word of God was INTENSE. Thursday being the best. I learned two really important things.

1. "Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come (2 Corinthians 5)"
So a couple of weeks ago one of the debate coaches I so dearly love was diagnosed with bone cancer. I literally feel into this pit of negitivity. I was so fustrated wondering why would God even create the world knowing that there was only going to be sin death destruction and misery everywhere? Why even bother? But this quote made me realize the world is SUPPOSE TO SUCK! We are not suppose to enjoy these worldly things at all. If we could be the happiest we were capable of being, and there was nothing wrong with the world, why would there even be a heaven? AND that feeling, that heebeejeebee feeling I get when I hear God speaking directly to me, whether it be at bible studies, or at church, that amazing feeling spine tingleing feeling, is a DEPOSIT OF HEAVEN! rap your mind around that for a second. a DEPOSIT. That feeling is a little piece of heaven. not only do we get to experience it, but that is ONLY A FRACTION OF WHAT HEAVEN IS GOING TO BE LIKE! IF that isn't inspiring, I DONT KNOW WHAT IS.

2. Hannah said something super profound. she said "You can't fix yourself and then decide you're going to give your life to God. You Give you life to God and he fixs it." I seriously wanted to smack myself in the forehead and say "You should have had a V8" lol justkidding. BUT I realized that was why I couldn't give up partying. I was trying to fix it myself, instead of letting God fix it. So before the weekend started I prayed "God, please help me resist temptations, or atleast help me avoid them until I'm ready to take them on"

I left and felt the holy spirit in my for the rest of the day. I couldn't shake it off. I was flushed with this overwhelming sense of happiness. and guess what? You know what I did this weekend guys? Friday, I went out to eat with my friends, (my old party crowd) and then after Taylor and I went to my house, and I invited Hannah over. Then these sophomore guys that I have a math class with called me and INFORMED me they were coming over. lol They didn't ask, just informed. We ended up eating pizza rolls at my house and talking. Then all the guys left, and Taylor left and Hannah and I went to sleep. Then saturday my friends went to some party and I hung out with my debate partner and one of our friends from another debate team. She made these AWSOME pita wraps and we ate, talked and laughed on the roof. I didn't even regret not going to the party, honestly I didn't really even think about it. Because I asked God to help me, he did. God knew that my weakness was being let go, so he stepped in and made it to were I wasn't being let go, instead I was grabbing on to something amazing, strong, stable, and wonderful. He let me grab onto him.

I think a lot of us forget that God will take care of our problems if we sincerely ask him too. Instead we take on the unnecessary burden of fixing it ourselves, and we don't even end up fixing anything. We wear and stress ourselves out for no reason, when we could have easily just asked God to fix it for us. Ah I'm getting the heebeejeebees just talking about all this.

...If I thought love was just a word, I might feel the same way too. 
But there's so much more than that, and it's waiting here for you. 

There is a way, there is a spark, 
there is a hope that you can hold on to. 
There is a lifeline come to the rescue, 
just like a hand that's waiting for you. 
And if you believe in this I promise that you won't be alone.

Making spaghetti bridges leads to suicide?

I don't know if this is a national torture, or if it is just restricted to Houston, but I firmly believe there is a direct correlation between suicides and having to make these satanic spaghetti bridges for physics. I might not ever be able to stomach pasta again after this. I have probably invested...7 hours in this project so far, and we are still not done.

The only thing that made the horrid task more tolerable was working with Hiliary. She truly is a delightful little person. She is just one of those people, that you can't not like. Ever since I've tried to get closer to God, her and Hannah have sort of been my spirtiual advisors. They're not the kind of people who shove God down your throat, or make you feel bad for poor decisions. They're really unbelievably understanding actually.

So while we were taking on the menial task of cutting spaghetti to 4cm pieces...(just imagine for a moment) I started telling her about my current delimma. Which is: I want to be closer to God, and live a more Godly life, but I can't do that while maintaining my current group of friends. I'm sure some of you have felt like this. Maybe not to the same extent as I'm experiencing, but similiar. When I was in D.A.R.E in 5th grade, they talked about peer pressure. Which I feel is a really exxagerated way to say peer influence. My friends have never PRESSURED me into trying something. If anything, I think it's more of the "if your friends jump off a bridge are you going to jump too" expression. But even expression is misleading. It would be more appropraite if it was like

"If your friends got dressed up in super cool bathings suites and threw a huge party, and the main attraction was jumping off a bridge onto a trampoline and bouncing into water, where some of the more reckless friends who tried to hard to look cool by doing wild tricks died, but all your close friends less extreme friends were fine..would you do it?" Hell yeah you would!

You justify other peoples downfalls, or in this senario injuries or possible death (both apply really), by saying, "oh they were reckless and stupid". Meanwhile, you see plenty of friends jumping off the bridge perfectly fine. It's not that your friends are encouraging you to jump off the bridge, but who wants to be standing alone on it, while the rest of your friends are having fun? This all goes back to my current delimma. How do I keep my feet planted on the bridge, while my friends are having a blast jumping off of it. Not only that, but their confused as to why I suddenly decided to stop joining them. As I was explaining all of this to Hiliary, she asked a truely profound question, that I couldn't answer.

"Look, you could be a christian at any time of your life. I mean being a christian now, and being a christian after college, and being a christian when your married is all the same. But why do you think you suddenly felt God reaching out to you now, as opposed to later?"

I don't know the answer yet. But it will definitely something I'm chew over, since I will not be eating spaghetti anytime soon ;)

Intro: How did I get here?

What drove me to make a blog? Well behind most ideas I’ve had, is a powerful black woman who goes by the name of Oprah. I don’t know, you might have heard of her? lol (pardon my occasional usage of internet lingo, for any of you who might be confused... it means laugh out loud.) Anyway one time on the Ophra show they had this lady who blogged about her life with children, and another time they had this homeless girl who blogged about her life being homeless. I’m not doing this in hopes that one day I too will be featured on the Ophra show. Honestly I’m just looking for a place to get everything off my chest. I have two (what I consider) talents. My mom would say that my biggest talent and fault is my excessive talking. I vividly recall when I was younger her telling me that, “I don’t really have to worry about anyone kidnapping you sweetie. Five minutes in the car with you, and they would bring you back” My other is writing. I don’t know if I’m necessarily a good writer. But I like doing it. It’s really therapeutic for me. So here I am talking and writing all at once, in what I consider one of my life’s largest crossroads.

Why am seeking God? So here is a little inside, to the person behind the blog. I should have started this blog the day I went to my first bible study. But the idea didn’t hit me till last night. So I’m bringing you in at the 3rd week of my journey. What made me want to discover God? Funny story (actually it’s not funny at all) at the beginning of this year, I almost got into a lot of trouble. Try 7 felonies worth of trouble. Now before you scurry your mouse to the top right of this screen to immediately X out the blog of this juvenile delinquent, let me just explain. First of all, I am the complete opposite of a juvenile delinquent. I am on the Debate team and Newspaper staff. I am in Key club, National Honor Society, and Quill and Scroll (which is a honor society for journalism). I am also in all upper level classes, and two advanced placement classes. Second of all, I was only tied to two of the felonies. The rest came from the girl’s car I was riding in. I had no idea of all the stuff she had. I didn’t even know half the stuff she had resulted in felonies. But since I was in her car…how does the saying go? Mi felony es tu felony? Anyway, as I sat in the back of the cop car, handcuffed and crying, I prayed to God. “God just please get my out of this. Please I will do anything. I will devote my life to you, I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry.” If I would have been charged with just ONE felony I would have gone to ALC (alternative Learning Center) and lost every upper level and advanced placement class and I would have been kicked out of every club and organization I was in. As I sat there praying I could hear my mom’s voice saying “You have to be careful, you have a lot more to lose than the rest of your friends”. So this is what she was talking about huh?

By the grace of God (never did the saying make more sense than in my situation) I walked away from the entire scene scot free. I also walked away knowing that God held up his side of the bargain, and I was going to have to follow through with mine.
Until this incident I prided myself on having a life, and doing well in school. I thought I had it all good grades and a “cool” group of friends. I was always the life of the party. I drank and smoked without causing drama or opening my legs to any guys. My guy friends respected me, and my girl friends confided in me. Everyone loved me because I was always down to party. I honestly thought there was nothing wrong with the way I was living. After I got in trouble though I began to see that there was something wrong with how I was living. There was a lot of things wrong.

The Prelude

I honestly don't know percisely why I'm doing this. This is completly, yet not totally out of my element. I'm not stranger to the internet. You could find me on Myspace, Facebook, or Twitter if you so chose to stalk to me. However, opening myself up spiritually to complete strangers, is definitely foreign territory to me. I don't want you to mistake this blog for something it isn't. By no means do I claim to know everything about god, faith or religion. In fact on the contrary I'm claiming the complete opposite. I will be the first to admit, that I know nothing on the matter. This blog is my serves as a place I can organize my thoughts as I take the journey to discovering God. So whether you chose to take this journey with me, to perhaps discover god in your own life, or to learn from the trials of a teenage girl, or even to help guide me throughout my quest, is entirely up to you. Who knows, no one may ever read this. Im just talking like I have an audience because it makes me feel like im venting to someone. I would not be offended by any means if you decided not to read the rantings of a hormonal teenage girl. I'd actually be sympathetic. So I guess you can consider this the prelude to my Chronicles of Christianity. Enjoy...or don't. Haha like I said, it's up to you.